Humor from the times...
The Boomer-Humor of the moment.
Keep those cards and letters coming.
Why aging isn't so bad...
Contributed by the Joke Meister.
Incredible facts for 'old' folks like us
Contributed by Mitchell Cirlot.
Moss Point girls
A girl from Moss Point and a girl from New York were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from Moss Point, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Moss Point sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
Contributed by the Joke Meister.
You're really from Vancleave...?
Scientists now have conclusive proof that Adam and Eve were from Vancleave.
They had no house, no car, no job, and still thought they lived in paradise.
Q. What do you call a Redneck without a girlfriend?
Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Vancleave?
A: Because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.
Contributor's name available by request only.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
You know you're getting old when...
You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
You get winded playing checkers.
You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out.
You order Geritol 'on the rocks.'
You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.
You stop to think and sometimes you forget to start again.
You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute girl goes by.
The only whistles you get are from a tea kettle.
A fortune teller wants to read your face.
You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it.
You pray for a good prune-juice harvest.
Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You join a health club and never go.
You need your glasses to find your glasses.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
You know you're getting old when...
OLD IS WHEN.. your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
OLD IS WHEN..... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN..... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN..... "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN..... "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN..... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President
Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high mutual fund
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO
Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Seeds and Stems
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity
These were submitted by Jim Harvey.
By the way, apparently Clinton wanted to leave a legacy like JFK, but I'm not sure that the Camelot Hotel measures up.
It's getting so that when you talk about the "vice president", you have to explain that you are not referring to Bill Clinton.
These were submitted by an anonymous donor.
The golden years
I cannot see, I cannot chew.
I cannot pee, I cannot screw.
My hearing stinks, no sense of smell.
My memory shrinks, I look like hell.
The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my ass!
Credit where credit is due for these jokes.
I have to give credit for the source of these jokes. One was given to me by a former co-worker at the Mirage. She sympathizes with my (and your) advanced years. Many were received from 'old' friend Jim Teece, who spends altogether too much time gleaning jokes from the internet.
Jim Harvey suggested I start up a boomer-humor page for this site, so being the ingrained follower that I am, I did what I was told. Now, if you have something at least mildly humorous (at least one other person should think so, too) send it to me via email to Mark Craven and I'll add it to the list. And if it's bad enough, I'll give you credit for it.
|Last updated March 28, 2010