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	Boomer-humor Humor from the times... Why old ain't so bad(PG) Incredible facts(PG) Moss Point girls(PG) You're from Vancleave? (PG) Truths we've learned (PG) Gettin' old (PG) You know it... (PG) Old is... (PG) Then and Now (PG) Prez jokes (PG) Golden years (R) Home page More stuff... Credit where due			The Boomer-Humor of the moment. Keep those cards and letters coming. Why aging isn't so bad... Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. No one expects you to run into a burning building. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. Contributed by the Joke Meister. Incredible facts for 'old' folks like us The people who started college in the fall of 1998 across the nation were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They can only remember one president. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tiannamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime always included AIDS. Bottle caps have been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have never likely played Pac Man and never heard of Pong. Star Wars look very fake to them, and special effects are pathetic. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones? They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never seen or heard one. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost 32 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable. There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WW1, WW2 or even the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They cannot imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They have never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!" They do not know who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. There has always been a space shuttle. (1980 was the first launch). And saddest of all, their parents appear to have been functional illiterates. Contributed by Mitchell Cirlot. Moss Point girls A girl from Moss Point and a girl from New York were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from Moss Point, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Moss Point sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?" Contributed by the Joke Meister. You're really from Vancleave...? Scientists now have conclusive proof that Adam and Eve were from Vancleave. They had no house, no car, no job, and still thought they lived in paradise. Q. What do you call a Redneck without a girlfriend? A. Homeless! Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Vancleave? A: Because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush. Contributor's name available by request only. Truths... GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking about how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. Gettin' old... Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. You know you're getting old when... You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions. You get winded playing checkers. You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out. You order Geritol 'on the rocks.' You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there. You stop to think and sometimes you forget to start again. You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens. Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute girl goes by. The only whistles you get are from a tea kettle. A fortune teller wants to read your face. You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it. You pray for a good prune-juice harvest. Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D. You look forward to a dull evening. You join a health club and never go. You need your glasses to find your glasses. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't. You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine cabinet. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT. You know you're getting old when... OLD IS WHEN.. your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" OLD IS WHEN..... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. OLD IS WHEN..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. OLD IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. OLD IS WHEN..... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. OLD IS WHEN..... "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. OLD IS WHEN..... "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. OLD IS WHEN..... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! Then/Now Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine Then: Hoping for a BMW Now: Hoping for a BM Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President Then: "Going blind" Now: REALLY going blind Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral Then: President Johnson Now: The President's johnson Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President Now: Fighting to keep the lying President Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high mutual fund Then: Elvis in the army Now: Elvis in a UFO Then: Keg Now: EKG Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and Stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever?. Now: Depends Then: "Off the pigs" Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol" Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity These were submitted by Jim Harvey. By the way, apparently Clinton wanted to leave a legacy like JFK, but I'm not sure that the Camelot Hotel measures up. It's getting so that when you talk about the "vice president", you have to explain that you are not referring to Bill Clinton. These were submitted by an anonymous donor. The golden years I cannot see, I cannot chew. I cannot pee, I cannot screw. My hearing stinks, no sense of smell. My memory shrinks, I look like hell. The golden years have come at last. The golden years can kiss my ass! Credit where credit is due for these jokes. I have to give credit for the source of these jokes. One was given to me by a former co-worker at the Mirage. She sympathizes with my (and your) advanced years. Many were received from 'old' friend Jim Teece, who spends altogether too much time gleaning jokes from the internet. Jim Harvey suggested I start up a boomer-humor page for this site, so being the ingrained follower that I am, I did what I was told. Now, if you have something at least mildly humorous (at least one other person should think so, too) send it to me via email to Mark Craven and I'll add it to the list. And if it's bad enough, I'll give you credit for it.
			Last updated March 28, 2010

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